Going into the fear

I’ve been afraid of this place in my practice. I’ve been afraid of going deep, going into that place, afraid of hurt, afraid of feeling unworthy, afraid of recognizing my strength. I have avoid going to this place because of failure. 

In the past I touched upon this place, I went to the edge of pain, touched it and got burned. I’ve avoided going back to this place for an entire year(+) believing that it will all come in time. I needed to back off for a bit to heal, to mend, but when does healing become a crutch, an excuse? There are times when backing off, allowing the practice to heal, is necessary for the longevity of the practice, but remaining here is not healthy, is not practicing recognizing and fulfilling our potential. 

I believe it is easy sometimes to go with the flow, and at times necessary. But sometimes, sometimes going with the flow is tough because gripping or attachment to something, or the way we perceive something is supposed to be, leaves me holding onto the side of a car with skinned knees and a busted skateboard getting dragged along holding this moving vehicle with a death grip. I’ve done that enough to know that I’m the only one that gets hurt, and that shit sucks.
Other times however, what I think is going with the flow is me not working. Inactive. Nothing in the practice is inactive, but going through the motions and avoiding that place that protects the idea of fear, is still practice but not what the practice was designed to do. 
The practice has a way of allowing us to recognize the edge, test it, try it out, own it, incorporate it, and establish a foundation with it. Yes it is scary, it is not easy, but it asks us to go to this place of discomfort and make peace with it. In that place of peace we have empathy for others who are in their uncomfortable place struggling to make their own peace. 

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