Last year my friend Olivia said she was going to Brazil for the World Cup and that I should go too. I said ‘sure’ and resisted.
In ashtanga there is no maybe, there is only do or do not. There are many variations of doing but only one version of not doing. It is not like Facebook you do not get a yes, no, maybe. I was told that ‘maybe’ is a soft no, but it sounds like a heavy weight. Instead; cut the cord, rip the fucking bandaid off, skin on the table, yes or no and get it done with, you will feel much lighter, I know I have. Maybe means I don’t care enough about you to commit and I don’t want to put any effort into an attempt. At least saying no let’s you both off the hook.
I struggle with this yes no crap and give myself more crap about struggling with it. In my head saying yes to Brazil was committing and I am frightened to shit by that word, but to me, in this instance ‘yes’ is a better option than no. Yes means that I will make an effort to go and if my efforts pay out than I am solid, if my efforts do not pay out than I’m not going, but I will make an effort. Why then the resistance?
I was afraid. I had fear of the unknown and no driving desire to face that fear. I thought about finances (they are fine) I thought about work (but I don’t live to work, I work so that I can enjoy living) I thought, ‘that is enough thinking.’ Skin on the table, I’m in.
‘Skin on the table’ is a phrase I gathered from werereallydoingit.com and the phrase highlights the commitment it takes to go all in. I’m practicing. I’m practicing commitment. Two months ago I bought a ticket, got a visa and a Portuguese on tape (Portuguese on mp3 does not have the same ring) and followed through on a ‘sure’ a year earlier.
“The end of this ride is the beginning of something new.”
That is my horoscope read for this week.
Vou a Brazil amanhã