If you only knew

If I knew, if I believed I will not fail, if I listened to what people who believed in me said and trusted, rather than the fear of this EGO who is scared, afraid and alone, I would be in the game.
I remember taking the NCLEX, and the fear of failing being so real, so unhealthy, so alive it crawled inside the skin. I remember words that were spoken to me, and I remember letting go, I remember surrendering and feeling at peace. The weight was lifted and the burden lightened when I walked into the test because the EGO was so scared and afraid that it could only surrender, there was nothing else. Surrender being the greatest gift.
There was this calm composed moment when the EGO surrendered, like the first sips of coffee warming up the inside of the chest and fully understanding the heat that the hands were trying to tell you about. I can’t recall a single question specifically, except for the last question which had to do with lung cancer, yet each answer clicked away. At 75 questions (the minimum a student has to prove they either know the material to be a registered nurse, or the student is certainly not ready to be a nurse) the test shut off and I sat looking at this blue screen feeling confused. Somewhere the EGO had surrendered and the thoughts shut off, the body could function, but it didn’t matter so much. I remember reclaiming the dirty chai that I had secured in a locker along with my phone, wallet, and messenger bag. The chai was cold, time that had passed was not important, but at 11 o’clock in the morning in downtown Chicago everything moved around me with purposeful direction. Directionless and confused or overwhelmed (better word) I eventually found my bike and walked it out of downtown because walking was even going to fast to process everything I was taking in.
Essentially I was flying. I was free of EGO, free of thought, and fully present playing the game, living beyond the barrier of those guys, living beyond self doubt.
Now I am facing another test, and the EGO, the fear, is present once again. The EGO does not leave, it mutates into a different game, a bit more challenging, but I know what is at stake and what greatness can be had if I lean into it.
I forget sometimes that the daily yogasana practice is a tool to show me the challenges that I face and what can be accomplished when I practice leaning into the fear. The fear is always present, only with time does it become less loud, with practice, it shuts off and becomes somewhat enjoyable. Perhaps because it is practiced daily it becomes less dramatic than taking the NCLEX, but only because it is not as loud does not make it less important.
This next test, or game rather, is not a tangible test, complete with questions and correct answers I will not remember anyway. This game is life and the direction I am headed. I am afraid of letting others down so that I can fly. My EGO wants to help everyone else. But it wants to keep up an image of success, and that is failure. What I get reminded each day in practice is not the failure, the inability to correctly preform an asana, I get reminded of the success of reaching beyond for greatness.
As this new area, this new transformation shift happens, there will be times that look like failure but success will be in recognizing the *pause*


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