You learn a lot about yourself when the person who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with walks away from you without an explanation.
My ‘go to’ is to blame myself. Asking, ‘What did I do wrong?’ I shame myself into believing that I am a bad person. This is my default. However it is not a fault, it is a behavior that has helped me to analyze what I did or didn’t do and what and how I can improve.
These are the 10 thing I learned about myself while moving, while cracking myself open:
Only you can take care of your issues.
I wish I had the luxury of movers, someone to come along and pack up my belongings. I wish they would throw out what I don’t need, keep what I do and *poof* be all settled in LA. I wish there was a magic button to press and Kazoo would zap all of my life together. Kazoo usually caused more work for Fred to clean up later.
Packing up and doing the work on MY life is something that only I can do. In this case I choose to minimize my life, to start fresh. In the past I have had to learn to stand up for myself, and stand on my own two feet being responsible for MORGAN. Now that I have that lesson down I’m learning the next one.
No one can make you stand on your own two feet except yourself. No one can take care of your life except you.
Sure we can rely on others to help us, because they have advice from having gone there before themselves, or simply because we can receive help. In the end, I got this. (Thanks for holding my hand along the way)
I am a flawed work in progress. My arms are held together with vulnerability and courage. I have work to do.
Once the initial work of stripping away was begun, I am finding it very difficult to want new thing. New things to fill up the emptiness, the void. I want to continue stripping way, uncovering new layers to pull back and remove.
The more we pursue happiness the further we get from it. – I had a plan of how things were going to work out. Step A, Step B, through to Step G. . . If I followed this path I would be happy. If I moved from this stone to that stone I would be on the path towards happiness. Step B was covered in moss, I slipped and fell into the water.
I wish I could say that I am happy being in the water. I’m a water sign after all and feel most at home near the water. But this is still water. Murky territory. It took me a lot to realize that only in still water does a lotus blossom, but this only happens when the ripples from the fall have settled.
Happiness is not something that is one step away. Everything is already inside you. Happy people don’t go seeking happiness, they simply are happy. I’m not talking about cheerfulness, neurotic glee, happiness is not on the next stone in the path. There is no fake it until you make it. Happiness simply is.
Habits define us– This is unfortunate/fortunate. I make it a habit to stick with something until it is shattered into a million tiny pieces and there is no glue on earth to put it back together. (So it seems at the time) But time does heal and mend the pieces that need to be put back together in only a way that nature intended it, not always the way I envisioned. Some back away from issues and get a clear view of the situation before proceeding. Some run away and choose not to face the reality of an event. Only the middle ground is the one that sounds healthy, step back and proceed further without running from the issue. I will work towards that one. Step one being that I will recognize my habits.
I am a giver by nature, my habit is to find someone to help, to ‘fix’ someone who needs, a ‘taker.’ I find self-worth in helping others. There is nothing wrong with a ‘taker’ they are lovely people and again, I find value in helping them. The trouble is that ‘givers’ are horrible receivers. That leaves us drained. Givers need to learn to receive and takers need to learn what they can do for themselves. Meeting somewhere in the middle is ideal, I believe this exists.
“Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, a conviction of things not seen.”** I had hoped things would have gone in a certain direction, I broke myself apart trying to get back onto Step B after slipping off of it and busting my self open because that was the path I believed I was to be on. However, I was convicted by my heart to continue on growing to where I am going.
I settled in and doors continued to open up. People showed up to move my 2 trunks and bicycles for free, an opportunity opened to teach sooner, a place has been provided for me to stay when I arrive in LA. The more I place myself in the trust of the world the more the world takes care of me. I’m learning how to receive, graciously.
When all is stripped away the heart is raw. – I’m not comfortable ‘here.’ I wish to fill it up quickly, trying this and that, but it leads back to the same emptiness until I can sit with it and be human. Raw.
Raw feels dark. Darkness feels scary and cold, but that nature to continue on continuing and finding comfort here, there is warmth.
Being raw can lead to many turbulent waters, and times that test how steadfast we are with what we wish for ourselves. I have not navigated these waters with grace and ease. I have fallen far from my path into darkness and made friends with old habits again. I am aware of them this time, this time I have more tools to help remain in faith with where this life is headed.
Sex ≠ Intimacy
Being raw and exposed is being intimate with one’s self. Intimacy with ourselves and being open and honest creates larger connections. There was a time when I would suffer in silence and crawl into a corner and cry, but no tears would come. As I have gotten older I realize that as I expose more of myself to others and open up, empathy neutralizes my shame. Creates intimacy.
When you realize how little you need in your life, life becomes very full. The experience matters. The experience passes and becomes history. ‘Things;’ objects, people, asana practice, postures, books, etc. will come and go. Packing my life into 2 trunks seems like a difficult task, yet the more I part with the less I want to take. (Do I really want to take this tent out to LA to potentially go camping? couldn’t I borrow one from someone when I get there?)
People, I am leaving behind. The memory of them I will cherish forever. The lives and loves we shared will not be replaced. They will forever be carried in my heart.